"I wish you’d drunk text me. Not just so I can finally understand how you feel about me or how exactly you react when you hear my name. But I want to understand your thoughts when your head isn’t on straight. Because sober, holy shit you’re so mysterious and unable to read. So, I guess, I just wish you’d drunk text me."
what do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs?
I don’t know. What?
a condescending con descending.
That was beautiful
I won’t be satisfied with my life until I meet someone who’s a sarcastic piece of shit like me and is attractive and wants to fuck me bye
IF YOU EVER GET IN A FIGHT WITH YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER JUST BREATHE IN THE HELIUM OUT OF A BALLOON AND HAVE AN ARGUMENT AND THE FIRST ONE TO LAUGH LOSES
you just put every marriage counsellor out of business
Things I desperately want right now:
Lots of sex
More muscle definition